rejected from mcsweeneys

Wordlekind: The New Science of Who You Are

Tired of pseudoscience-based personality tests that don’t truly capture the nuance of you? Worn out from all the astrological charting that, time and again, has failed to result in a satisfying relationship? Introducing WORDLEKIND, the 100% science-based way to accurately describe identity, predict fortune, and if used properly, lead to your soul mate! Simply submit screenshots of at least one week’s worth of Wordle guesses (yours or your potential partner’s), allow access to your phone’s location services, and let our licensed Wordlekindists do the rest.

Our patented algorithm along with personalized analysis means results are guaranteed. Our base rate includes a full personality report, a compatibility matrix showing best and worst possible matches, and a customized headband or bracelet embroidered with your ‘kind symbol. For a small additional fee, we offer a detailed blueprint of your future, including the time, location, and manner of your death.

18 foundational Wordlekinds can be modified by a) the direction you typically face while completing the puzzle and b) whether you use an iPhone or an android, for a total of 144 kinds. The system seems simple on the surface, but please do not try to diagnose yourself. Let our trained, certified Wordlekindists perform the science. For instance, you might be a North Android Librarian (soul mate=West iPhone Cwtch), but if you misread yourself as a Rich Girl and try to couple with a Shaman, the results will be disastrous. Leave it to the experts!

Is your potential partner a narcissist? Who is your ideal mate? Are you a person or a string of letters? Let Wordlekind show you. Take a look at a few of the ’kinds:

Potato Salad: chunky, cheerful, surprisingly complex. Goes hard and methodically but in a joyful fashion. Dependable, nourishing, a hit at parties. If you’re looking for low-key fun and someone who will never leave you, scoop yourself a heaping helping of these delicious carbs. Standard guesses: CHUNK, SQUAT, TRAIL

Adieu: don’t trust this fucker. Will ditch you as soon as your vulnerabilities (and vowels) are revealed. These types are great in bed, but multiple orgasms do not a long-term relationship make. Standard guesses: ADIEU.

The Mathematician: every guess is a calculation. Sociopath. Standard guesses: ADIEU, CHOPS, KNIFE

Rich Girl: feels wronged every time she doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get it. Standard guesses: PARTY, YACHT, SMART

Cwtch: So, you like cuddling with chaos? This is the ’kind for you. He speaks Welsh, he’s pansexual, maybe he paints his face like a sad clown and licks your toes while you read Dostoevsky aloud. Adventure awaits! Standard guesses: FUCKS, CHAOS, LUCKY

Black Coffee: Does he even enjoy life? Aggressively arrogant but never achieves more than a three day streak. An accountant or CEO, he’s as financially stable as he is boring in the sack. Put a little sugar in it, sad man. Standard guesses: WORDS, STOIC, TIMER

Shaman: into crystals, mushrooms, & conspiracy. Likes to do uncomfortably long hugs with their unshowered body pressed against your breasts and/or genitals. Unvaxxed. Standard guesses: whatever ‘spirit’ reveals in the moment. (Usually: SOULS, LOVES, DRUGS)

Poet: so, so dreamy. Probably still in bed, with or without a hangover. Will compromise accuracy for metaphorical possibility. Standard guesses: DREAM, BEAST, FUCKS

Librarian: hot and knows it. Regularly gets it in two. Closest friend is a cat. Sexts like an Olympic athlete. She’s never going to meet you in person because humans appall her. Standard guesses: WEARY, ALONE, HELPS

This is just a taste of the power of WORDLEKIND. Sign up today and find out more about these kinds of people and learn how to be them, woo them, and win at life.

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